I cannot go to sleep, so I decided to write this before I forget this important lesson, that I keep telling myself, I can deal with tomorrow.
I have been living in the past for a very long time, telling myself I am trying to heal whilst living in the same routines and mindset, that I have convinced myself, I’ve changed. Maybe it’s hard to get away from the past and we are always in conflict with our past and present selves because everything is documented; there is literally a physical imprint left on this internet platform. Old social media accounts, the messages, photos/videos all a story of you, accessible at any time making it difficult to stay in the present when you can choose to go back at the tap of a screen. It’s quite messed up when you think about it, the saying “time heals all wounds” may have been true for the generation before computer networking and convenient cameras, but now there’s a new element to forgetting… Choice.
I have been focused on such a victim mentality for so long that I was furious at the world for being the way it is and I lacked accountability. I was so focused on the hurt that I had experienced from childhood trauma to being taken advantage of as a teenager and being failed by people who should have done better; that I thought I could’ve never have inflicted that much pain on another human being. But pain is subjective, and kids/teenagers are still developing their prefrontal cortex. I never looked at how I was hurting other people. I know a counselor or my shadow-worker would tell me that I have to forgive myself but I feel like I could not move on and forgive myself without saying sorry. People deserve an apology from someone who is truly remorseful of what they have done. I personally couldn’t forgive myself if I hadn’t even tried.
Before writing this I had come across some old Facebook messages, arguments I had with girls and the anger in me, the horrible things I said to make someone feel the way I did, to hurt someone. Today, I couldn’t even acknowledge what the other recipient(s) was saying, it didn’t matter, I was so disappointed at what I was saying, and just hope they never put any weight on the things I said. If you hate me now, that is fine, that is your anger to process and I understand. Seeing these messages really gave a new level of introspection that I had been missing from my teenage years; what things did I do, that wasn’t of a victim. I don’t deny that I had been bullied and disrespected by even the same girls these messages were sent to. I didn’t have the tools back then as I do now, to understand, comprehend and respond to the situation. So all I can do now is say sorry. All this time I thought I needed the apology to move on but it is me that needs to acknowledge, apologize and accept that I don’t need anything from them and know that I have done the best I can do at that time and today.
I thought of writing down every person's name that I have hurt to say sorry but some people may not want to remember these things and cope by leaving things buried, I wish I were one of those people. So I write this in hopes that you know I am sorry. If you are one of those people I have hurt, I have thought of every one of you individually and wish to say I am sorry for my hurtful words/actions, even if they were reactions to something you may have done. Those hurtful powerful words/actions should never have left my being and for that I am sorry. And I want this to get to you, especially if it has been a situation you find it difficult to move on from. If you are one of these people, I would be more than happy for you to contact me if you wish, to talk about it.
I have been working on this person for a long time, I wouldn’t be where I am today without going through those horrible experiences and making mistakes. I am not one of those wise people who can learn from other people’s mistakes but I am trying to be a good person every day. Over the past couple of years, I have found it difficult to post online because I have been going through so much mental turmoil that I felt like a fraud posting anything positive, anything that didn’t show my truth. I also felt like I would be a fraud to post anything about any of my mental health without acknowledging that I could have possibly hurt somebody else’s mental health! We have to be truthful to ourselves, as much as it makes us cringe and hurl. I couldn’t be this present me without closing the book on the old me, and to do this, I now forgive myself for the choices I made before today.
So again…
I am sorry,
and
Hello,
My Name Is Fatima.